This morning I got up and I had absolutely no inspiration for this post. I don’t really have any secret talents – in fact I don’t really have many talents at all. My usual go to for a party piece is opening a beer bottle with my teeth, but again – not really a talent.
Aside from considering myself a good mother, I suppose I can appreciate my ability to organise. Not all things mind you, but certainly people, events, get togethers and so on. I try to make things special for people, I try to do anything I can to make a specific event special for the people or person involved.
Given the day I’ve had, this post has taken an unusual turn, but since I can’t focus at all on anything positive right now, I thought I may as well get out how I’m feeling. I truly hope that no one who reads it is upset or offended by anything I’ve said – as its nothing personal, just the way I’m feeling.
Tomorrow is my birthday. I will be thirty four. It is the first birthday I have spent with my current partner, though we have been together for seven months. We have already shared his birthday together in March. I’m trying not to compare everything I did for his birthday, in the reverse of him for me.
Its been a crazy few weeks, what with the usual life stuff, the new job, ending the old job and now the beginning of school holidays. Not only that but my brother and I have spent weeks writing a murder mystery especially for my party on Friday and of course on top of that organising food, decorations and my outfit. Today, like several other days this week, my partner and I have been over to his house to decorate. My back is aching, I’ve let the girls spend the day with mum instead of me and although we’ve come home to do a pamper evening together I feel bad tempered (and under it all sad that I only have about 2 more days with them in the whole of half term). On top of that, I’ve spent all day feeling like no one really gives a crap that its my birthday tomorrow.
I know it shouldn’t matter. Certainly not by thirty four. Even I don’t really care that much about it – or perhaps that’s just what I tell people. Tomorrow we are catching the train to Meadowhall (the train rather than me driving, so I can converse and not just play taxi – my idea) so that the girls can spend their Disney Store vouchers and so we can all go to TGI Friday’s for dinner. It was my idea and I don’t mind that most of the day is for their benefit, I’m genuinely happy when they’re happy. Other ideas had consisted of a trip to Legoland so as you can see my general go to is for their pleasure anyway.
Yesterday the girls and Chris baked a cake. A cake I had suggested maybe he would make with them. A cake I had offered to buy the ingredients for. A cake I had organised a spot in the day for. A cake that did get baked yesterday, but then sat on the cooling rack until we went to bed last night and I had to put in a box. A cake that hasn’t been touched all day. A cake I’ve had to ask a couple of times if its getting a filling or topping. A cake that Chris is now in the kitchen doing something to as I’ve ended up in tears.
Perhaps it sounds selfish, maybe I am. But having already had to remind him about buying a birthday card this morning. Then asking if he had any wrapping paper. I’m beginning to just feel a little like no one cares. Is it just because I put SO much effort into everyone else’s birthdays? Am I expecting too much?
On top of all this, I know what the majority of my presents are. Again this is nothing more than self pity right now (but unfortunately that’s how I feel) but I know almost everything I’m getting tomorrow too. My mum already gave me some money towards my Matchbox Twenty trip in April as my gift. My brother bought me a board game when we were in London, the same time in April. The girls have had their gift bought by their dad, a shopping trip whereby I had requested what I would like. Chris has bought me a few things I believe – some of which haven’t arrived in the post, others which have arrived broken. On top of that, I’m the one having to tell him he should write and complain about the lack of arrival and of the broken stuff.
I know some of it I should probably just let go. They’re not me. I don’t expect them to go to the same effort I go to. However at the same time this seems so completely the opposite way in that no one even cared enough to decorate my cake… its just a one piece chocolate sponge right now.
How this is connected to my special talent post I’m not really sure. Let’s face it, it probably isn’t at all. I guess its just that I love putting my absolute everything, into pretty much everything I do. I find it so hard when others don’t do the same. On this occasion, a birthday which I always claim doesn’t matter, I have just ended up feeling so disappointed about.
I do appreciate that people tried to throw me a surprise party and it didn’t work out.
I do appreciate that Chris is now running around, making me dinner, bringing me a glass of wine and topping my cake right now.
I know that everyone cares enough to have bought me presents at all, to be coming to my murder mystery and some to even be making a specific visit on my birthday.
But right now I just can’t see past the fact that everything seems to have only happened with a push.