Thinking About Divorce (and other life changing decisions)

Source

I got married in 2005, on Valentine’s Day. It was actually my second marriage, I had been married and divorced once before. I met (ex) Chris in the Summer of 2003 and within a few short months we were engaged. We went on our first holiday together in Oct/Nov 2003. I found out I was pregnant with our first child in April 2004 and Megan was born in December 2004. It was never really smooth sailing, though we definitely had better times and worse times.

I’m not proud of it, but I actually had an affair – though we were going through a separation at the time – and after a couple of months apart, we tried again. In 2007 I fell pregnant with our second daughter and during that pregnancy, Chris had an affair. This was something that was incredibly hard for me, as I was torn with feeling like I deserved it for doing it to him, versus the fact I was actually pregnant and we had sorted things out. However again we moved on from it and Lily was born in March 2008.

In lots of ways, and in hindsight of course, I feel like we never really recovered from the second blip. However, there were a lot of other issues within our relationship that make me wonder how we even lasted that long. In the end, we separated on fairly reasonable terms. We both consider it to be a mutual decision, though I know I was the one finally pushing for it to happen. We split up almost exactly 7 years from the time we first met. This is almost exactly 4 years ago from now.

I spent a little over 2 years as a single mum. From Summer 2010 till October 2012. That’s when I met my current partner, another Chris.

I was very clear, when Chris and I got together, that I had no interest in getting re-married again. I’d done it twice before and I had no desire to do it again. However for the first time in two years, it felt weird to still be married, even though I was separated. Chris has been really good about it and so I suppose I’ve been in no rush to do anything about it. But as time goes on, more and more I know that I really want to get divorced. My ex now has a girlfriend himself. I half expect him to bring up divorce too.

Source

When I was single, I realised that I didn’t always want to be single. I hoped that one day I would find someone to love again. And though I knew I didn’t want to get married again, I dreamed of the perfect proposal. It became dubbed as the “un-proposal”, which would be done by a man who knew me well enough to know I didn’t want to be married, but wanted to show their commitment to me anyway. He would get down on one knee, in front of the Eiffel Tower in Paris. He would tell me how much he loves me and say that although he knew I didn’t want to be married, he wanted to propose… and spend the rest of his life with me.

Perhaps divorce is on my mind a lot at the moment, because for the first time ever I’ll be visiting Paris in October, with Chris. Perhaps that’s only one of the reasons though. In all honesty, I would actually consider getting married again. I wouldn’t do it easily. I would have to consider all the pros and cons, but I still want to know that I’m loved and that I’m wanted. I need a life commitment. I’d love a Happily Ever After. In the next few months I really want to move forward with my life. I’d like to get a divorce to begin with… and well after that, we’ll just have to see what life brings I suppose.